Soul mate? Not for me thankyou

I was heading downtown to get my monthly Brazilian wax when I stated thinking about soul mates and if it is really possible to have such a thing. Does everyone have one?

Does that mean that for every person that dies alone, another person out there dies alone? I guess one or both of them could have died married to someone they hated the whole time they were together. In fact, I think that is what happens a lot of the time. I would bet that 30% of Americans would admit that they hate their spouse. Another 30% of them, liars. The rest? Single people that never got married.


How does this soul mate bit work anyways? What if my soul mate was born in Japan and didn't speak a bit of English? That would be fucked up. Even if we did somehow meet we would never be able to communicate and realize that we both love baseball, beer, imported pornography and psychedelic rock.

What if through some error your soul mate turned out to be like 50 years older than you? That seems to happen to a lot of poor unfortunate women out there. Luckily for them their elderly soul mate usually happens to be rich so that they get a consolation prize of having all of that money while they live out there remaining fifty years without their beloved soul mate.


What if my soul mate turned out to be a dude? Would I have to turn gay? Would fate at least allow for him to be rich to make up for me having to spend my golden years with a person that has the same equipment as me? No thanks.

The whole soul mate bit is bullshit. It isn't real; and if it is, it doesn't work. If I have a soul mate out there somewhere she does not want to run into me. If I was standing at a party and an angel descended from the sky and said, "Hello Ira, That beautiful woman over there is your soul mate, she has all of the qualifications to be compatible with you for a lifetime of bliss". I would say, "you better keep that bitch away from me or I will be forced to take drastic actions to ensure that she in no way finds me attractive. I came here to have fun and the last thing I want to do is leave at 9:30pm because she took offense to something one of my friends said".


We all know I would already be screwed though. After about five beers I would start thinking, "well, she is my soul mate, if we are that compatible I know that I could get down her pants tonight". Then a month later I'm missing football games because her family has dinner together every Sunday so we can sit around and listen to her two bitchy two faced sisters talk shit about every family member who isn't in the room while I get text messages from my brother telling me about how the Lions just kicked a sixty yard field goal in the last second of the 3rd overtime.


So basically, if you are female, and you are having a conversation with me at a social function and I suddenly start making fun of your shoes and calling you fat. Don't take any offense. It's nothing to do with you. It just means that we were getting along to good and I got scared that you might be the one. I know we were hitting it off good but then I figured out that you might be my soul mate so guess what? You have to spend your life alone because your soul mate wants nothing to do with your controlling ass. I would love to keep writing but the game is coming on and I hate to miss even a minute of it.